“I felt as though I was falling in love with you…but that feeling is gone.”
I thought I was being honest, being real, just telling it like it was. What I was doing was breaking her heart and I was so wrapped up in my own story I couldn’t even hear the sound of it cracking.
Once I had said those words she wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t answer a call or respond to an email except with a terrible anger. Love and hate share many borders and crossing over sometimes happens so fast it’s like an explosion and the landscape is indelibly altered; valleys where once there were mountains and oceans where once there were woods.
I tried to make it right between us, to be friends. I just couldn’t leave it alone, accept that I’d fucked up already, and do my best to learn from my mistake and move on. I kept pushing. It all culminated on the night I went to a party even though I knew she’d be there. I strolled in, grinning and oblivious to the turmoil my presence would surely cause her. When she saw me she instantly walked to the host and began saying her goodbyes, so I walked up and said, “Hey, if it’s going to be a problem, I’ll leave,” at which point she turned around and punched me in the face.
It took me a long time to realise that I was the one who stepped across her boundaries time and again, trying to force her to forgive me, when forgiveness is only something which can be freely found and freely given. It was only when I truly accepted my part in our play, without judgement, that the words for this broken heart song arrived.
If you have broken someone’s heart, perhaps this will support you in forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made. If your heart has been the casualty in a war of love then I hope this song will remind you that any pain someone causes you comes from pain they themselves are in.
I feel a deep warm healing sadness when I sing or listen to Kept It Hid, so in some ways perhaps it is the glue which fills the cracks every broken heart song helps to fill. And, who knows, perhaps then the heart heals bigger, wider, stronger and more able to give and receive love. Perhaps every broken heart and every broken heart song is an invitation to keep growing.
We are all students on the path of life. Forgiveness begins in you, whenever you are ready.
I love you all
Nate
PS: I would love to hear what you feel about this story, song and ideas of pain and forgiveness. Do you relate to what I’ve said/sung? Have you felt this way before, as either the breaker or the broken? Let me know in the comments and I very much look forward to hearing from you.
image credit: Majali
BONUS PS: if you are in a position to support my art, then please consider becoming my patron at http://patreon.com/natemaingard. Even $1 per month makes a huge difference in my world, as I am a fully community-funded independent artist. Thank you and biiiig love!
Thank you for sharing your personal story as well as the creative process. Perhaps I needed to read from this perspective at this moment. My husband left after 25 years and the part that’s hardest to let go…is..I never saw it coming and I never considered myself absent, yet I still feel the failure. We all have a story, right? Love the song..made me cry,
But also allowed me to let it go. Owe you! ;•) ((Hugs))
Beautiful, it made me think about my life and how i thought i was the only one who got a broken heart . Made me realize that I had done some of the breaking too. Probably from keeping the pain hidden away. Love the song and the guitar.
Incredible, thank you for this beautiful and vulnerable sharing, Toni! Much love to you, dear human
My biggest and longest running heartache in life was the result of someone not being able to speak the words you said – “that feeling is gone.” It took me a long, long time to realize that was what he wanted to say. Perhaps you are pushing your ex to forgive you, but I think it shows immense love to keep trying to help her understand. Beautiful song. XOXO
Wow, Rachel, that’s such a kindness to hear. Thank you for showing me another facet of how this might appear. Love to you!
It’s beautiful, Nate. Your emotions are palpable– which makes your song/words even more poignant. Your line about how you were hurting but you kept it hid, is a sweet one. It, too, is richly honest. I hope that peace comes to you both before long.
Thank you Lisa, for all your ongoing kindness and support! Hugs and squishes 🙂
謝謝您!非常動人，好聽的歌曲。請您繼續保持對音樂的熱愛，我的直覺告訴我，未來，您將會是非常傑出的音樂家。(很抱歉!我不懂英文，不懂電腦，重要的是，我沒有任何的信用卡)請相信我的直覺，如果您能夠吃全素食的話，您的成功，會提早來臨。祝福您!
I used google translate to read your message, and it is very beautiful! Thank you so much for the kind words and the advice. Hugs to you!
I loved it!
Thank you dear Sara!
Wow! His words have an incredible feeling! You are a great writer / composer, it was great to know your work!
It’s a pleasure to share with lovely people like you, thank you dear!
We can only ever change ourselves…and trust that the example we set will impact and inspire others to make the changes they too need.
Touching, nice, human, take care Nate!!!
thank you so much Peter! You take care too 🙂
“Love and hate share many borders and crossing over sometimes happens so fast it’s like an explosion and the landscape is indelibly altered; valleys where once there were mountains and oceans where once there were woods.” Wow, very well put. Most heart break songs are written from the side of the broken, not the breaker. A change in perspective sure changes the view. Having been broken this does make me look at why my ex did what they did after differently. Thanks, and “Healing hugs” your way.
Thank you for this kind comment Jim, happy to know this song inspired a shift in perspective. Yes, it’s hard to be the broken and the breaker, either one kinda sucks!
Thank you for another great song
my absolute pleasure, thank YOU for taking the time to listen 🙂
I must say Nate, the song really touched my soul, it consumed my mind and I couldn’t help thinking about those whose heart I broke without knowing, the song truly came from your heart with feelings of a broken heart…
I thank you for this Nate
And I am glad to have listened to the song.
I’m so glad you felt this song so deeply, Wales! I wish you all the best, sir!
Nate it really is a beautiful song, I love how in touch you are with your feelings. You’ve got to be honest with yourself if you’ve had your heart broken which can be difficult. It can be even harder to admit to yourself that you may have broken someone else’s heart. I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve felt sad when I’ve realised how much I love someone but thought it may be too late. Pain makes you stronger as long as you know yourself otherwise you will never be able to forgive yourself. Hannah x
Well said Hannah, thank you for these kind words!
Nate, It’s a great song, and so true words spoken.. Heal, my friend..Smile. A Brand new Day
a brand new day indeed, yay!
My Heart’s been broken a few times, with words unspoken, I gave forgiveness, but I don’t easily forget. It takes longer to trust n to fall in love again. Maybe 1 day it’ll happen
Awesome lyrics Nate, I loved it. I had my heart broken very badly some years ago and still not totally recovered from it but am slowly moving on with life. Keep writing awesome songs like this!!
Thanks so much Naina, I’m really glad you felt this song so deeply! Hope your heart is healing well :). Hugs!
This was amazing to read, Nate. I’ve sat with it overnight to think. You’re right – every heartbreak makes a heart wider and stronger and more open to love. You can’t know heartbreak if you’ve not known love – and I’ve always chosen to pick up broken pieces and mend my heart than to avoid it altogether by simply not being open to love and not being open to the vulnerability that love is too. And maybe forgiveness (of yourself and of others) is a love in a way too – being able to let go of the pain and be open again to love. It was a really beautiful piece, Nate.
Thank you Kathy, for the beautiful feedback and the compliment, I’m glad you enjoyed it so much!
I have only recently found that I broke a couple of guy’s hearts, without meaning to, and without even knowing I was doing it.
We do the best we can Anne 🙂
The truth! I wish I could really say
As you from me walked away.
My eyes yearningly followed you
I could not! And that is simply true
The nights will pass and that days will go
The words’ll remain unsaid, I know
What I cannot feel, I cannot say
You can’t remain, so, you cannot stay
The tears will pass, the smiles’ll come again
Better days’ll come, and there’ll be no pain
I know I did not say as I should have done
And what’s done can never be undone
Words couldn’t ever carry what I had to say
I tried and failed. tried again. You didn’t stay
And so will it remain, the words unsaid
I can’t stay. The love is gone, the dream is dead
—-
Well, Nate life is, at times hard. I remember situations in my own life. Not long back, a person walked into my life and left by the door she came in. Not a word was spoken, not a look exchanged. The story began and the story ended. I love humanity. People come into our lives, people go. life goes on
Life goes on! Yes indeed 🙂
Once a about 15 years ago I saw a particular woman for the first time. It was Love at first sight… For me at least. Some time later through no small amount of effort we started hanging here and there. Before either of us knew it we were always together I could not have been happier.
One day without warning she just turned on me and I had no clue why (I know now why) I was angry beyond compare and hated here for leaving me. My hatred lasted years,I moved on to other woman, Even her best friend and flaunted my relationships in her face (love and hate are indeed easily entwined)
Eventually the anger began to ebb and I accepted friendship from her. She became the person I turned to when I was in pain … she became my best friend and it was then that I learned who she was and why she abandoned me.
Her life had little love in it growing up and the example shown to her of what love was supposed to be was not a good one. Having begun to release some of my hatred I found the truth. My hatred was the love for her with nowhere to go.
I continued to seach for that love in someone (many someones) meanwhile she was there for me during and after failed romances … quiet, consoling and waiting.
It took a while but I finally saw it. She loved me. Even while watching me flail about searching for love she patiantly waited for me to see it.
This woman is my wife. She is my heart and soul and we have two beautiful children. we have been married for almost 8 years and together for 10 years now. She left me all those years ago not because she did not love me but because she did love me and it scared her.
At the time of the happening you never know why the person hurt you, And most likely the person who hurt you does not know why they did it. they may not even realize they did.
Time gives us all perspective and sometimes that’s all we need… Time.
ps sorry for the the wall of text. I wasn’t sure if I was even going to end up posting it but I did so yeah 😀
This is such an incredibly beautiful story, thank you for sharing and SORRY it took me so long to reply!
Nate, I believe most of us have been sitting on either side of this fence at some point in our lives. I have been the “unwilling victim” of having someone repeatedly attempt to force me to forgive their actions or words. I also felt like giving them a fat lip. lol Instead, I chose to ignore them because deep down I knew that in the moment, they were trying to repair their own pain, and had no understanding, care, or concern about the pain that I was experiencing. Instead of repairing the damage, they were simply causing more. Forgiveness needs to be given freely, takes time, and cannot be forced. Only then will the heart and mind heal. This is true for any kind of relationship, not just the romantic kind.
So well said!
“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” – Sigmund Freud. Love and peace, Nate
phew, great quote, thank you Jay!
I believe this is something everyone can relate to
Thank you Anice, glad I’m not alone!