I did not expect to write these words this evening, and here I am, telling you, dear reader, that the only thing missing in my life is me.
I’ve been sat on the couch all day, again, watching youtube videos about whether mac or pc is better. No, it doesn’t matter, it really doesn’t. Almost everything else in my life matters more to me, in my heart.
Through some miraculous combination of unexpected happening, I have wandered into my perfect life:
- I am a full-time creator, thanks to my nearly 400 patrons on Patreon…they are the kindest, most generous humans I know.
- I have written some songs I’m genuinely proud of, which have supported some people through their darkest and brightest life moments.
- My girlfriend blesses me with her high regard. Her depths, presence and colours blow me away every day.
- I have family and friends worth living for (although I feel physically too far from almost all of them nearly all of the time).
And yet, despite these innumerable blessings, here I am, again, stuck. Stuck, dense and thick in my decay. No, not even decay; at least decay is an active process. What I am experiencing is stagnation, rut, an absence of motion, removal of oxygen, cessation. Apathy, my dreaded enemy.
If I wrote you out my dreams, this page would overflow with life, with a firefly cloud of glittering hope and potential.
But if I showed you my actions, the things I fill my daily life with, you would watch as each of those glowing floating bundles of potential flickered and faded, falling under the weight that is, simply, me.
The thing that’s missing in my life is me.
That sentence is hitting me so hard right now, as tears run into my beard.
I’ve been trying for too long to shift this inexplicable load, and all the weight does is become heavier.
What is WRONG with me!?
I have a dream life, doing what I love, and yet I’m sabotaging the whole thing, breaking it all down, one friend, lover, place, supporter and action at a time.
Look at me -please, oh please, look, like, love, share, care, tell me you’re there- always seeking my joy just beyond the horizon. I’m exhausted with feeling this way, tired of hurting -physically and emotionally- almost every single day. I remain trapped within this prison -this person- I have created and re-create every day I choose not to live my truth, my light, my dreams.
I don’t have any answers. I’m sorry. Maybe tomorrow will be better, though based on previous experience, I don’t have much hope for that.
Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this.
Perhaps falling apart Nathan, deep in victim mode, is not what you want to hear. Maybe all the wonderful things will only go away sooner if I tell you this: the only thing missing in my life is me.
Thank you for listening.
Oh Nate we are here. I too am overwhelmed by the darkness.So difficult to accept who we are. I over think so much. It is exhausting. The negative self talk creeps in. Be in the moment. Listen, taste, touch, smell. Love from Lorna x
i’m often found wasting away under melancholy’s weight unable to provide fruition to the overflowing multitude of ideas and dreams permeating in my mind only to watch them wither away and die with the passage of time. to be reborn each morning with hope and desire only to recoil into a fetal position of fear and despair come the moonlight is a burden i’m sorry to hear you also bear. sometimes it helps to know others feel the same. i thank you for your sharing. i hope you, and most moths, are able to find your light and never be re-cast into the dark.
Nate I am a musician as well and I feel like I understand you on so many levels. I’ve experienced this feeling of accomplishing everything yet feeling lack of accomplishment and wondering what’s wrong with me in moments when nothing was wrong. I can’t say that I overcame with one thing because I think a few worked but for what it’s worth here are things that might help:
You seem like type A personality who’s always looking for the next thing and if that’s the case find a way to enjoy the present moment while working on the next goal. This means your goals will evolve with every goal you reach. Reading power of now by Eckhart Tolle changed my life about being present.
Always be rooted in why you’re doing what you’re doing, writing, creating, making music and connecting with people. Sometimes when I’m writing and not interacting with fans face to face I lose the connection and everything feels pointless. I don’t want to write, I don’t want to practice presumably because the delivery of my service feels too far in the future and sense of satisfaction can’t come soon enough. So keep reminding yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing and think of it as providing service.
Self savotage is something we all do but the really successful people seem to fight it off better than the rest. Become aware of the thoughts that are sabotaging you and as soon as you catch yourself thinking them switch to new and positive thoughts. Self sabotage often comes from some hidden emotions that we experienced in the past like grief, or lack of self worthiness or maybe even abandonment. Figuring out the emotions that are stopping you from being happy now is definitely a challenge but so worth it because you will have healed wounds you didn’t know even existed.
Peace and love to you my creative brother
Fatima
“I shoyldn¿t be telling you this”you say. Of course you should. You¿ve been touching our lives and we must lend a hand. As I said on twitter, life is beautiful just a bad day. Thanks for being there for us and making us part of your inner self.
Nate, this was helpful to me during one if my dark times, I hope it gives you some peace. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is or light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Freon Nelson Mandela’s inaugural speech
Jill
Thank you for sharing your truth. You describe mine so well.
I wish you enough,
Wenchy
We are all echoes of one another
Dearest Nate, I appreciate your transparency. Being a creative person as well, I understand how difficult it is to create sometimes. I also have a very demanding full time job that involves helping the public and it drains me completely sometimes. You have to allow yourself to recuperate and refuel. Giving so much to others can be hard, especially when you are sharing your creative self. Be patient with yourself, we are here and will continue to be. Encouraging you and sending the happiest of thoughts and support your way! Those who are truly your friends and fans will always be supportive! Stay strong, persevere and know that without the dark, we cannot have the light. Your light will shine, my friend!
“Out of the darkness there must come out the light” – Bob Marley. Thanks for your presence, and kind words, Heather
It is scary to fall apart publicly. It is even scarier to fall apart all alone. But you are not alone. And the darkness and apathy is understood and lived by many. Me included. There are these high highs and the low lows. And all I want is this: if you look at me, please see me. If you see me for the damaged person that I am, please love me. I felt from you words that you feel the same. The outside world can be perfect, but if the inside feels like a storm, the most perfect life becomes dull and blunt. Sometimes, life is overwhelming. Sometimes, all we can do is cry and let the tears wet our cheeks for seemingly no reason. And maybe, maybe it looks as if you aren’t doing anything, as if you aren’t moving. But you are doing a whole lot. You are not giving up. You are light, Nathan. You don’t see it because you are in the dark, but believe me, you are light. On top of that, you are not missing from your life. This may not be how media or friends or whoever suggests life to be, but sometimes it is like that. Sometimes we fall apart. You are there. I can see you! And I like this vulnerable side of you. There is nothing wrong with it. Fall, Nate… we are there to catch you.
Thank you for your honesty. *hugs*
Thank YOU for this beautifully written response, I appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts and insights, thank you Cathy!
Im a justice fighter…. It’s smth of the worst or best you can interfere with. Just now Im sad and drained like you, I don’t find ME….
al-kimiya….
the wisdom of the universe
you’re your own
believe and practice it
it’s your thought
it depends on the way
you’re thinking
You’ll make it! JoTan
I guess we do all need our time to recharge 🙂
Hey, look at from this perspective: you’re exposing the darkness you are experiencing to the light! I’d say that’s progress!
I like your perspective 🙂
Yes, we’re here, I’m here, reading your thoughts and trying to send you my good vibes through my words.
You’re allowed to have days like this, you’re allowed not to want to do anything, you’re allowed to spend all day on the couch. The fact you’re sharing it with us is the sign of your will. And if you want to tell you this, if it makes you feeling better, then of course you should tell.us.
Hope you don’t feel any guilt for days like this; you’ll be better soon no doubt about that. And maybe some songs will come from this. Have a great evening, And believe me, we’re always here for you. Be a patron is also that. xxx
Martine
Thank you, Martine, as always, for everything
I self-sabotage too. I have dreams but I have stuffed it up time and time again. Unlike you though, I don’t have anyone for support except those on the internet. I realised that the reason I have self-sabotaged is that I have no idea of what success looks like, and the rejection of people, who laugh at my dreams, and those that should’ve helped me didn’t. Now I recognise the why, I am slowly taking action. I still have my days but at least I recognise them now. You need to recognise the why? Then you can work on you and how to tackle it. You have loved others and allowed others to love you, but do you love and accept yourself. That is the biggest step.
I’m sorry to hear of your challenges, but glad to hear that you’re finding the tools to help get through. It’s funny, cos earlier, I literally had the though: “I know what I do, but I don’t know why.”
So yes, that is the question to be answering. Find the reasons I want to do the things I dream…and find the reasons I don’t.
Love to you, thanks for being on this path with me
Hands down, saddest feeling ever. I wish I had more to say but I’m going through the same. Courage and hope for the both of us. Lots of love to you Nate ❤️
At least we know we’re not alone. Sending you so much love too, Farida, thank you for taking the time to connect. Wishing you a swift resolution
Oh Nate we are here. I too am overwhelmed by the darkness.So difficult to accept who we are. I over think so much. It is exhausting. The negative self talk creeps in. Be in the moment. Listen, taste, touch, smell. Love from Lorna x
Lorna, I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reply, there was so much going on at this time, and I just didn’t know how to express my appreciation to you and everyone who replied…but, here I am! Thank you for existing I appreciate the heck outta you!
Beautifully said, Cathy!!!
I concur!
Beautifully said, Cathy!!!
Thank you for sharing from the depths of your heart. Although I can’t say I have any answers I was listening. I go through periods like this and completely get it.
Being heard is sometimes the best medicine there is. Thank you, Carl!
Thank you for sharing from the depths of your heart. Although I can’t say I have any answers I was listening. I go through periods like this and completely get it.
But I’d say that there is some similarity about the life we live and what souls we are to feel and hear these echos. There are many we can’t hear or don’t want to. Those we are near by heart touch us.
Thank you for sharing. I have felt this way too. Hands down the biggest reason I don’t feel this way anymore is because I read the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. It pulled me up and explained why I felt this way. It’s the handbook for living in a state of joy and peace.
I love that book every time I start it! And I stop again a few pages later. I do not know why! Time to try again, thank you Candace!
Nate I am a musician as well and I feel like I understand you on so many levels. I’ve experienced this feeling of accomplishing everything yet feeling lack of accomplishment and wondering what’s wrong with me in moments when nothing was wrong. I can’t say that I overcame with one thing because I think a few worked but for what it’s worth here are things that might help:
You seem like type A personality who’s always looking for the next thing and if that’s the case find a way to enjoy the present moment while working on the next goal. This means your goals will evolve with every goal you reach. Reading power of now by Eckhart Tolle changed my life about being present.
Always be rooted in why you’re doing what you’re doing, writing, creating, making music and connecting with people. Sometimes when I’m writing and not interacting with fans face to face I lose the connection and everything feels pointless. I don’t want to write, I don’t want to practice presumably because the delivery of my service feels too far in the future and sense of satisfaction can’t come soon enough. So keep reminding yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing and think of it as providing service.
Self savotage is something we all do but the really successful people seem to fight it off better than the rest. Become aware of the thoughts that are sabotaging you and as soon as you catch yourself thinking them switch to new and positive thoughts. Self sabotage often comes from some hidden emotions that we experienced in the past like grief, or lack of self worthiness or maybe even abandonment. Figuring out the emotions that are stopping you from being happy now is definitely a challenge but so worth it because you will have healed wounds you didn’t know even existed.
Peace and love to you my creative brother
Fatima
But I’d say that there is some similarity about the life we live and what souls we are to feel and hear these echos. There are many we can’t hear or don’t want to. Those we are near by heart touch us.
Hey man, I am one of your followers on Twitter. Good stuff that you do! However I feel that you are only defining yourself by what you do therefore when you feel apathy you will get lost. This is a great possibility for you! To feel this. Now you have a chance to be without any feeling, emotion etc. Your personality has evolved and then you feel that you are not your personality and then you get lost. Your anchor has been taken away. So what I am saying is that you get this feeling when you feel something is lost because you heavily lay on your personality. Can you see the duality in this? Have you gotten lost before? In music or anything that you do that you love? Now your possibility is to get lost in yourself. We sometimes say to some ppl that we dont like Get Lost! But that is only insult of the personality because you are already lost you just haven’t realize it.
Loosing, dying or any of these are one of our greatest possibilities. When you have lost it you have nothing to loose!
How wonderful your feeling 🙂 you have so much!
Thank you for sharing. I have felt this way too. Hands down the biggest reason I don’t feel this way anymore is because I read the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. It pulled me up and explained why I felt this way. It’s the handbook for living in a state of joy and peace.
“I shoyldn¿t be telling you this”you say. Of course you should. You¿ve been touching our lives and we must lend a hand. As I said on twitter, life is beautiful just a bad day. Thanks for being there for us and making us part of your inner self.
Dear Nate
I guess what you are going through is a human thing. Most of us experience these feelings sometimes. I just started as a freelance Consultant after 30 years working for different companies in different CXO positions. I am 51 years old, married and have 4 kids. I love them all very much.
I could have chosen the ‘safe path’ of corporate Life until retirement in 10-15 years. But 2 things ocurred to me:
I don’t want to have to ‘retire’ to do what I love, and why am I doing what I am doing?
So I chose to Risk my ‘safety’ for feeling alive. And by being ‘alive’ I experience the feelings of self-doubt, frustration, scepticism together with the feelings of joy, accomplishment, live, fullfillment and pride. All part of feeling alive instead of feeling ‘dead’ In the corporate World.
My point is, I think what you are feeling comes with the territory of being a truly Living human. Sadness (along with all kind of other feelings) is as much part of Life as happiness. But we are taught that we should be Happy all the time by ‘evangelists’ and self help boks etc.
And you took this important step to share your feelings with all of us. That helps us, who are experiencing similar feelings, by knowing we are not alone and it started this series of comments that will also help many of us. So by doing this you accomplished more than many people in a lifetime.
Thank you and well done
i’m often found wasting away under melancholy’s weight unable to provide fruition to the overflowing multitude of ideas and dreams permeating in my mind only to watch them wither away and die with the passage of time. to be reborn each morning with hope and desire only to recoil into a fetal position of fear and despair come the moonlight is a burden i’m sorry to hear you also bear. sometimes it helps to know others feel the same. i thank you for your sharing. i hope you, and most moths, are able to find your light and never be re-cast into the dark.
Nate, this was helpful to me during one if my dark times, I hope it gives you some peace. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is or light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Freon Nelson Mandela’s inaugural speech
Jill
This is me. With every word I read, I can see me crystal clear. All the dreams I had dreamt and all the things I wanted to do, I stop working towards them. This post makes me realise how I’m wasting my life, the most important phase of it, by doing the same things again and again, repeating the damn routine.
Your words are hauntingly what I needed to hear today. I am so sad to hear you’re feeling this way and my hope is you can find some light and get to a place where you can find you! I’ve felt the same way for years, and now it feels like it may be something that others go through so maybe it’s normal?! Thank you sincerely for sharing your heart and I truly hope you can find yourself again. #youareoneofthebest ❤️
Than you for your very kind comment, Amanda, I’m sorry to hear you have similar struggles to me. And yes, I think many people share this challenge
Hey man, I am one of your followers on Twitter. Good stuff that you do! However I feel that you are only defining yourself by what you do therefore when you feel apathy you will get lost. This is a great possibility for you! To feel this. Now you have a chance to be without any feeling, emotion etc. Your personality has evolved and then you feel that you are not your personality and then you get lost. Your anchor has been taken away. So what I am saying is that you get this feeling when you feel something is lost because you heavily lay on your personality. Can you see the duality in this? Have you gotten lost before? In music or anything that you do that you love? Now your possibility is to get lost in yourself. We sometimes say to some ppl that we dont like Get Lost! But that is only insult of the personality because you are already lost you just haven’t realize it.
Loosing, dying or any of these are one of our greatest possibilities. When you have lost it you have nothing to loose!
How wonderful your feeling 🙂 you have so much!
Dear Nate
I guess what you are going through is a human thing. Most of us experience these feelings sometimes. I just started as a freelance Consultant after 30 years working for different companies in different CXO positions. I am 51 years old, married and have 4 kids. I love them all very much.
I could have chosen the ‘safe path’ of corporate Life until retirement in 10-15 years. But 2 things ocurred to me:
I don’t want to have to ‘retire’ to do what I love, and why am I doing what I am doing?
So I chose to Risk my ‘safety’ for feeling alive. And by being ‘alive’ I experience the feelings of self-doubt, frustration, scepticism together with the feelings of joy, accomplishment, live, fullfillment and pride. All part of feeling alive instead of feeling ‘dead’ In the corporate World.
My point is, I think what you are feeling comes with the territory of being a truly Living human. Sadness (along with all kind of other feelings) is as much part of Life as happiness. But we are taught that we should be Happy all the time by ‘evangelists’ and self help boks etc.
And you took this important step to share your feelings with all of us. That helps us, who are experiencing similar feelings, by knowing we are not alone and it started this series of comments that will also help many of us. So by doing this you accomplished more than many people in a lifetime.
Thank you and well done
This is me. With every word I read, I can see me crystal clear. All the dreams I had dreamt and all the things I wanted to do, I stop working towards them. This post makes me realise how I’m wasting my life, the most important phase of it, by doing the same things again and again, repeating the damn routine.
Your words are hauntingly what I needed to hear today. I am so sad to hear you’re feeling this way and my hope is you can find some light and get to a place where you can find you! I’ve felt the same way for years, and now it feels like it may be something that others go through so maybe it’s normal?! Thank you sincerely for sharing your heart and I truly hope you can find yourself again. #youareoneofthebest ❤️
Than you for your very kind comment, Amanda, I’m sorry to hear you have similar struggles to me. And yes, I think many people share this challenge
Dearest Nate, I appreciate your transparency. Being a creative person as well, I understand how difficult it is to create sometimes. I also have a very demanding full time job that involves helping the public and it drains me completely sometimes. You have to allow yourself to recuperate and refuel. Giving so much to others can be hard, especially when you are sharing your creative self. Be patient with yourself, we are here and will continue to be. Encouraging you and sending the happiest of thoughts and support your way! Those who are truly your friends and fans will always be supportive! Stay strong, persevere and know that without the dark, we cannot have the light. Your light will shine, my friend!
“Out of the darkness there must come out the light” – Bob Marley. Thanks for your presence, and kind words, Heather
Thank you for sharing your truth. You describe mine so well.
I wish you enough,
Wenchy
We are all echoes of one another
Nate, first to say we’re all here because you’ve built something we all care about, every one of us. Most of us couldn’t do what you can, we love that you allow us to be part of what you’ve built. Apathy days happen, it is the price you have to pay for the days of feeling super alive and creative. Don’t fight it, just go with it, inside you are building the next part of your life, even if it might not feel like it. Take care xx
I wish I believed in me as much as you do, Fay :). Thank you for holding the light when I forget to!
Im a justice fighter…. It’s smth of the worst or best you can interfere with. Just now Im sad and drained like you, I don’t find ME….
al-kimiya….
the wisdom of the universe
you’re your own
believe and practice it
it’s your thought
it depends on the way
you’re thinking
You’ll make it! JoTan
I guess we do all need our time to recharge 🙂
It is scary to fall apart publicly. It is even scarier to fall apart all alone. But you are not alone. And the darkness and apathy is understood and lived by many. Me included. There are these high highs and the low lows. And all I want is this: if you look at me, please see me. If you see me for the damaged person that I am, please love me. I felt from you words that you feel the same. The outside world can be perfect, but if the inside feels like a storm, the most perfect life becomes dull and blunt. Sometimes, life is overwhelming. Sometimes, all we can do is cry and let the tears wet our cheeks for seemingly no reason. And maybe, maybe it looks as if you aren’t doing anything, as if you aren’t moving. But you are doing a whole lot. You are not giving up. You are light, Nathan. You don’t see it because you are in the dark, but believe me, you are light. On top of that, you are not missing from your life. This may not be how media or friends or whoever suggests life to be, but sometimes it is like that. Sometimes we fall apart. You are there. I can see you! And I like this vulnerable side of you. There is nothing wrong with it. Fall, Nate… we are there to catch you.
Thank you for your honesty. *hugs*
Thank YOU for this beautifully written response, I appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts and insights, thank you Cathy!
Hey, look at from this perspective: you’re exposing the darkness you are experiencing to the light! I’d say that’s progress!
I like your perspective 🙂
Yes, we’re here, I’m here, reading your thoughts and trying to send you my good vibes through my words.
You’re allowed to have days like this, you’re allowed not to want to do anything, you’re allowed to spend all day on the couch. The fact you’re sharing it with us is the sign of your will. And if you want to tell you this, if it makes you feeling better, then of course you should tell.us.
Hope you don’t feel any guilt for days like this; you’ll be better soon no doubt about that. And maybe some songs will come from this. Have a great evening, And believe me, we’re always here for you. Be a patron is also that. xxx
Martine
Thank you, Martine, as always, for everything
I self-sabotage too. I have dreams but I have stuffed it up time and time again. Unlike you though, I don’t have anyone for support except those on the internet. I realised that the reason I have self-sabotaged is that I have no idea of what success looks like, and the rejection of people, who laugh at my dreams, and those that should’ve helped me didn’t. Now I recognise the why, I am slowly taking action. I still have my days but at least I recognise them now. You need to recognise the why? Then you can work on you and how to tackle it. You have loved others and allowed others to love you, but do you love and accept yourself. That is the biggest step.
I’m sorry to hear of your challenges, but glad to hear that you’re finding the tools to help get through. It’s funny, cos earlier, I literally had the though: “I know what I do, but I don’t know why.”
So yes, that is the question to be answering. Find the reasons I want to do the things I dream…and find the reasons I don’t.
Love to you, thanks for being on this path with me
Hands down, saddest feeling ever. I wish I had more to say but I’m going through the same. Courage and hope for the both of us. Lots of love to you Nate ❤️
At least we know we’re not alone. Sending you so much love too, Farida, thank you for taking the time to connect. Wishing you a swift resolution
Nate, first to say we’re all here because you’ve built something we all care about, every one of us. Most of us couldn’t do what you can, we love that you allow us to be part of what you’ve built. Apathy days happen, it is the price you have to pay for the days of feeling super alive and creative. Don’t fight it, just go with it, inside you are building the next part of your life, even if it might not feel like it. Take care xx
I wish I believed in me as much as you do, Fay :). Thank you for holding the light when I forget to!