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The identity known as Nate Maingard seems to be dying…and I don’t know what happens next. Perhaps it’s like that story of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly, where the in-between state is basically just caterpillar mush. Nate Maingard is caterpillar mush. Nathan has no idea what happens next and, in fact, feels like he is dying too 😅. It’s pretty dark in this cocoon…and it hurts a lot, both physically and emotionally.

In my brighter moments, I have faith that something beautiful is coagulating in this caterpillar soup which once was me.

2020 so far has been a face-to-face confrontation with my deep shadow, a feeling of overwhelming heaviness and ‘I am the weakest link’ stories reverberating in the echo chamber of my skull. These mental blocks are masters at keeping me small, ‘safe’, boxed and frozen (‘God in a box, what a great loss’). I don’t yet know what powers these blocks, only that they are impossible to ignore, as they drag me down every time I even try to open my wings. Maybe it’s too soon, maybe the mush has to dissolve a little longer…perhaps Nate Maingard has to melt fully before something new can form.

Here’s hoping 🥳!

What about you?

Please know that I have not forgotten you, my dear patrons, my Nateives, my global community of kind-hearted wanderers. I think of you so often, and in the moments I can access gratitude, you are one of the greatest gratitudes dancing in my heart.

If you trust that this process I am in is going to bear fruit at some point, that beauty will come out of this dissolution, then please keep pledging, because your pledges are pretty much my sole source of income at the moment. If you choose to unpledge for whatever reason, please know that I 100% understand and give you my blessings to do so and I still love you with all of me 💞!

Is anything happening at all?

  • I am working with a business mentor (though I’m struggling to complete even the simplest exercises he gives me 😔)
  • I am going to therapy every week
  • I am attending a plant medicine ceremony (please hold me in your prayers)
  • I am taking an online Patreon workshop
  • I am seeing a bodyworker for my bulging disc

What prompted me to write this post?

Y.O.U, my patrons!

I think if you so much, of how blessed I am to have gathered this saintly motley crew of individuals who believe in me so wholeheartedly that you stay with me, not just through the light times but through these dark and silent days as well.


Thank you for existing, it’s a wild time to be here.

With love
Your caterpillar mush

PS: please please tell me your stories, I will be honoured to hear what is unfolding in your world, even just the littlest things. 

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